A tale of two people

Two incidents over the last fortnight, left me disturbed and wondering about how people think and their minds function. Both the incidents were bad and most of all unexpected. They came as shockers. Amusingly, they made me realise the unpredictability of life. Two people whom I have been nice to, behaved strangely. One obviously due to innocence and ignorance or can say due to circumstances and the other due to over-maturity. Its quite strange that exactly opposite qualities can hurt people to similar extent. But, such is life.
I have been thinking about it for quite some time. But, there are some questions for which you never get answers and all you can do is leave it at that. In both the incidents, I didn't forgive the people concerned, not because I didn't wish to but because they didn't mean when they apologised. I have gotten over both the incidents. After a few days of introspection, I have also realised that I am not to be blamed for the other person's behaviour. They are conditioned to behave in that fashion. Irrespective of the person in question, they will behave in that manner. But, saying that I was not hurt, would be a blatant lie. I was hurt and was very hurt. The individuals concerned are now out of my life forever. I don't know how I'll behave if I ever confront them. Whether I will ever be able to behave normally with them. But, the fact remains that they betrayed my trust, misunderstood me to the core and hurt me deeply.

Manjiri

God bless me

This post is essentially written with the idea of putting across what is going on in my mind to make me feel better. Right now, am going through a gruelling time wherein am dealing with my apprehensions and self-doubt. New beginnings always leave me with such thoughts. Till I get something, I want it. But, once I have achieved it my focus immediately shifts on what should be done to maintain it. Yes, I will be getting on to my new activity from tomorrow. The work is something am aware of. I am hoping and praying that I better be able to live upto the expectations all those who have invested their faith in me. And most importantly I don't let myself down. Over a period of time, my belief in myself has strenghtened. For it to remain intact, I will have to better myself. So, am wishing myself all the luck in the world. I am telling God please bless me and be with me.

Manjiri

Not really iconic

For the last few days, I haven't been able to write. I was quite shocked and disheartened by the whole scene of events which unfolded last week.
The images of several sections of the Taj set on fire, the airdropping of commandos at Nariman House and the rescue of people from the Oberoi will perhaps haunt every Mumbaikar for a very long time. But what I certainly disagree with is constantly referring to Taj as the icon of Mumbai and India. I don't agree with the media reports that Taj represents India or Mumbai. Yes, it is a heritage structure which does represent the elites or the crème-de-la-crème of India or Mumbai.
Even today more than 80 percent people in this country have not visited the Taj. Spending time and chilling out at the various joints in the premises is a luxury which only the rich and famous in this country can afford. Even today references of having a cup of chai in Taj are being made in train conversations as though it is ultimate luxury one could dream of. I did read several analytical reports which questioned the usage. I too strongly agree with it. Unlike several people who have been coming on air and talking at length about the time they spent at Taj, I don't really have memories of Taj (except for one stray assignment which involved meeting the head chef).
The icon of Mumbai if one has to name one would certainly be the CST station from where most of the people ply to their workplaces and back home. It is this place which is iconic. Because neither the bomb blasts nor the terrorist attacks can deter the spirit (pardon me for using the word). More so for these people, because it is not the spirit but the urge to make ends meet for them. Not reporting to work for a day for a middle class person (including me) means losing out on one leave which could be encashed either at the end of the year or while resigning. And for daily wage workers it means their bread and butter or vada pav for the day.
Not that I wish to nullify the difficult times which the hostages had to go through or that I am insensitive to the harrowing conditions that they witnessed. I do sympathise with them and wish that our government and security forces provide answers to our questions at the earliest. My heart definitely goes out to all those people who lost their family members - saviours as well as victims. I am as enraged as any other Mumbaikar is.
But Taj is definitely not an icon of Mumbai for the average middle-class Mumbaikar in me. It is like a dream which most people wish to accomplish but don’t manage to do so in their life time.

Manjiri

We don't know

Blood, gore, pain, tears, fear, terrorism, deaths - all this and more surrounds Mumbai as the rescue operations go on. And we witness all this with a little bit of sympathy. An occasional glimpse of someone crying moves us. But that is it. The news remains a hot topic of train and office discussions. But the concluding line is always the same - this is not new to Mumbai.

With this will start a session of allegations and counter allegations. Will we manage to solve this issue - we don't know. Will we ever be able to become a peaceful country - we don't know. Will this ever stop - we don't know. Will we remain sensitive to all this - dangerously we don't know.

Perhaps, this is what our governance has made us - insensitive.

In the midst of this a song plays in the back of one's mind - Jahaan gam bhi naa ho, aasoon bhi naa ho, bas pyaar hi pyaar pale, ek aise gagan ke tale. Will we manage to create such a world - we don't know.

At it

First things first. I have never been a very impatient person as such. At times, I do get hyper, if I feel I am not going to meet the deadline. But that is that. Otherwise, I am pretty chilled out.
But yes, last two years of my life have indeed added on to my patience levels. The initial stint at a radio channel and the ongoing work made me realise that as a journalist you have to be patient. You CANNOT afford to let off the handle easily. I am doing features, so for me the wait for quotes at times, becomes endless. In fact, there have been times where I have wondered will this story ever work out? Will the person ever speak to me? And the person has. But the condition is you have to be at it. Well, if you look at it, this is perhaps the case with life too. The moment you let the reins loose, even God loses track of what you wanted in life. So, the trick is be at it.
Manjiri

Jaane kya chahe man baawra

The most common question we ask anyone is 'How are you doing'. At times, we mean it, whereas at times it is just a formality. But, I don't know why, I felt like asking this question to myself. The answer I got was - Things around me are fine. Work has resumed. Family is good. Parents are proud of me. Health is fine. Friends are okay. Neighbours are okay. Near and dear ones are great. I have got my salary, which is pretty decent for someone of my age and experience. But there is something which is not so fine. It is indefinable and consequently inexplicable. There is something which I haven't found as yet. And no it is not something which girls seek at this age saying Mujhe kisiki talaash hain. Woh baadlon se mujhe pukaarta hain. It is something which has been in the deepest corner of my heart. It is a desire which is unfulfilled...
And writing anything beyond this is impossible.
Manjiri

We need a traffic police in the ladies' compartment

I have been a traveller of the second class compartment of the Central Railways for the last three years. I do commute in the Western Railways also owing to the nature of my work. All these details, prove that I am qualified enough to talk about the general state of affairs of the trains and have a right to criticize the functioning. At this point, I would also like to clarify - that I don't or have never ever in my lifetime travelled by the first class compartment, so am completely oblivious to the state of affairs in that section. But, I don't think that should matter as more than 60 per cent of the public commutes only by the second class.

Over the years, I have graduated from being naive to the functioning of the railways, to being smart enough to get a window seat by boarding a running train. I have also shed the initial shyness of 'How can I ask somebody where are they getting off?'. Initially I boarded the trains from CST, which made things easier for me. But despite the change of destination, my smartness remains unaffected.

Trains essentially are reflective of the social fabric of this city (And no, I don't want to get into the North Indian debate). What I mean is that it spells the cosmopolitan nature of the city rightly. But as we have proved on several occassions, here too, we have proved that we are inept to handle things on our own. At every stage, we need a leader who could either stray us or guide us in the right direction. (Reason: We are a bunch of people who don't have a mind of their own, or even if we have we fail to apply.) So, it is quite obvious that self-discipline is a term which is unknown to us. Under such circumstances, we definitely need a cop who could manage the traffic in the compartment. Some might say, but we do have one at times. So let me tell you, that the cop present is as good a kindergarten student. His work timings are 8-10 mostly. He fails to hear the fights. Is scared of getting in between anything as it is a 'ladies' compartment. And all he does is stands at the footboard and breaths fresh air. That's it. He is useless.

Eligibility: The lady has to be strong. Physically (Is a must. Dealing with a bunch of women in not that easy) and emotionally (To deal with the mean and selfish behaviour around.) She has to be well equipped with arms and ammunition to deal with unruly women. And most importantly, should not be wearing spectacles (A good eyesight is a must for spotting seats. And most importantly, because you cannot afford to break your specs everyday.)

Suggestions:

1. Make sure that women don't crowd in the passage and come inside the compartment. This would mainly involve giving directions. It's not very easy. She might have to resort to physical assault. But trust me in 2-3 days women will learn to follow the directions. This is extremely essential for women who block the passage, making boarding, alighting, and at times breathing difficult without realising that there are kids, old women (and even young people need to inhale and exhale!)

2. The women do not use abusive language.

3. Make sure that the decibel levels all over remain low. And that women don't play Antakshari when someone is studying for their exams.

4. Bash up the eve-teasers who are staring at women.

5. Help the kids board the train and then reach the window safely without getting stuck.

6. People belonging to 'groups' (train travellers know what it means) don't bully and make fun of others.

7. Make sure that people make double lines.

8. Make sure that women sitting on the window, second and third seat don't occupy so much space that the fourth person falls.

9. In short, regulate the traffic in the trains.

I agree, most of the things are partially related to the infrastructure problems. Long distance trains scheduled after a gap of 20 minutes and 2 or 3 ladies compartment with so many of them travelling makes the going difficult. But, a perfect world never tests your character. That is done only in times of crisis.

My kids

The description of my world would certainly be incomplete without describing my kids. My kids are almost an integral part of my being. I feel great when they do well, am terribly disappointed when I see them failing. These kids are the ones who have actually helped me rebuild confidence in my abilities. They tell me, "We like you very much." And when they say that the twinkle in their eyes tell me that they are not sycophants. And whatever they say is heartfelt. Kiran is about to get married on the 25th. I will certainly try hard to attend her wedding and give her blessings. One of them, I have noticed is clearly dyslexic and I need to work hard on her. There are some who certainly prefer chatting about every other thing on the earth except for studies. Some feel my insistence on studying and excelling in it is unnecessary. For some I am their inspiration, whereas for some others I have reached a level in life which is unattainable. I joke with them, sometimes I also do reprimand them. But, I love all of them. They tell me, "Don't go away, we need you." To which I feel like saying, "I need you the most." I have a soft spot for some of them, which they have earned thanks to their dedication. While I say all nice things about them, they do possess some traits which I dislike. Dislike may be a harsh term. But, yes, it is something that I wish they manage to change. Most of them lack the will to go ahead in life. This, I feel is dangerous. Although I can see Sunita dreaming of a better future for her kids and Tahira aspiring to be one of the most respected persons in her fraternity, unfortunately, it stops only at that. May be I am being a bit more presumptuous and assuming things. But this time around, I hope I am proved wrong. I hope all of them manage to reach scaling heights. I am trying hard to teach them how to make proper use of their wings, but how far they wish to fly is entirely their call.
Manjiri

Mummy kehti hain

I normally have several discussions with my mother. Some on things of common interest, on news, or whatever pleases the two of us. It's almost next to impossible to get the two of us to agree to each other. The reason being that we are two very strong, highly opinionated women (as much as I hate to use the term woman for myself, people around me keep on saying that. So better admit it than remain in a state of denial). She remains adamant on her stand owing to the experiences she's had life and I due to two reasons - one obviously because I am HER daughter and two because I am adamant. When I believe in something, it's almost impossible to shake it.
Let that be. But the point is that we have been discussing many things of late. One of the most common topics has been the thing which many people term as destiny. The sentence which is most commonly uttered from my mouth is 'Only weak people resort to destiny. There is nothing like destiny in the world. It's sheer hard work and your will to succeed which makes or breaks your life'. This has been my thinking ever since childhood. My mother, on the other hand, feels that there is a right time for everything. If you are destined to get something in life, you get it no matter what. And if not, you will never get it no matter how hard you try. I have my opinion and she has hers.
But, to be honest, the last few days have been the 'not so good ones'. For those who don't know me, I have never had anything easy in my life. By anything I mean ANYTHING. So, working terribly hard has perhaps become a way of life for me. It is maybe the only thing I feel I am capable of doing. But all that has never dissuaded me from my goals. I have taken all that sportingly. Despite the odds, I have nursed my dreams always. And above everything else, have firmly believed that they will come true one day or the other.
But as it is in everybody's case, my not so great days are beginning to take a toll on me now. I am getting desperate, feeling helpless, but am still not willing to give in. I have worked hard and the results will definitely show is my retort. I still believe that if you aspire of anything strongly, from the bottom of your heart you get it. But yes this aspiration, according to me, is conditional. The condition is that you should reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllly want it and second is that the efforts that you have put in should be more than 100 per cent. Then may be even God will answer your prayers (yes, I do believe in God. But no, not in destiny.)
I don't know how long I will be able to cling on to my opinion. I don't know whether it will be me or my mother's opinion that will stand the test of time. But one thing I will definitely maintain - nothing can stop me from achieving my goals.
Manjiri

In retrospect

As I ready myself to start blogging, several thoughts cross my mind. How will the experience be? Will it be worth giving my time and effort? Will anybody ever read my blog? Will anybody like it? These and many more... I meet a friend online and put forth this idea to her. To which she says, "What is there to think so much about it? Just go ahead and write." This statement means a lot. I firmly believe that at times, everyone needs a reassurance from their near and dear ones.
But there is one thought which refuses to leave my Gemini head. Everytime I try to get rid of it, it comes back to me. And that is of the first blog post that I had written. It was written mainly as a part of the college assignment. Aimed mainly at getting good scores. But was certainly not written keeping marks in mind. Every word of it was heartfelt and genuine. Today, when I read that entry I am amused. Amused by how many spacing errors I made. Amused by the fact that I didn't realise that it is going to stay there forever. Amused by the effort that I put into it. I do have certain memories with regards to the comments I got for my blog. Some great, some terrible and some daunting.
But the fact is that now I am one year older. And I believe much more sensible. I have taken all that in my stride and have moved on. Moved on to a new beginning. Hoping that it will be as adventurous as the previous brief stint was.
The link just in case anyone is interested:
http://unforgettablemoments.wordpress.com/2007/01/26/the-most-unforgettable-moment-of-my-life/