Contradictions

A friend of mine put up a chat message which read 'I have concluded life - Its a bundle of CONTRADICTIONS'. This was exactly what I felt the night before the last. I was in the train. As usual late at night. As the train started leaving the platform, my eyes were wandering. I was hoping that someone comes in the train. A group of four got in and I was relieved. Its quite strange. The very crowd we wish should not enter the train in the morning is the one we crave for at night. Such is life too. The things that we are pretty convinced will not be a part of our life when we grow up, are the things we love when we age.
So, my dear friend I agree with you completely.

Manjiri

Things are just ok

Interesting things did happen last month. But, somehow, couldn't write them. Not that I did not have the time (such a cliched sentence), but just that didn't feel the need to. Some thoughts I guess are really very personal and I am not too comfortable sharing them on a public forum such as this. But yes, the highlight was the realisation that I had last month. Perhaps, that left me so disturbed that I didn't feel like talking about anything after that.
It was about a house which I want to buy. A practical evaluation of the assets and the liabilities made me realise that it is quite difficult for me as of now. I felt very bad. Obviously, it is not about the dream house, but about a house before the dream house. One step closer to the dream house may be (let's be positive). The realisation hit me hard. My mom, who's been desperately waiting for the house to happen, was a bit disturbed. On the face of it, I put up a brave front. 'It's not happening and can't happen now'. But honestly, and I swear to God on this, I am not feeling good about it. It's exactly the feeling which comes when one prays really hard for something to happen and it does not. Your faith in the entity you have been praying to gets shaken up. With my mom, her faith in my limited ability is restored. But, yes, my faith in my abilities is not the same.I feel I have betrayed her. Showed her the dreams which I cannot fulfill. I am feeling like a mother who gives birth to a child and leaves him at the footsteps of a temple to fend for himself. The feeling is that as though I am shirking responsibility, which I have never done. Whatever that is, I have consoled myself, that this didn't happen, because something better is planned. And I sincerely hope that it happens soon.
Work wise things are ok. Yeah, that is that. Things are just ok. Why not great? I don't know.

Manjiri

Kitne door, kitne paas

And I am back. Its been a long gap. Not that I didn't write last week, but its just that didn't publish it as I felt that it was too personal a thing to be shared. But yesterday strangely enough, in one day itself, two things happened which forced me to write even when it is not my free day.

I have always believed that train travel gives you the best possible lessons of life with relevant examples in remarkably short span of time. Exactly that happened yesterday.

While I was on my way to office, I met a friend in the train. We had met after two years. But there was not much excitement in my voice or in my body language, as she had just been a classmate. We had never even bothered to exchange phone numbers with each other. But of course, the relationship had always be cordial. The conversation started on the usual hows life, how are things note. She got excited hearing that I was a journo (people generally attach unnecessary glamour to the field). She was getting married and was visibly gung-ho about it. After every two lines the conversation would veer in that direction. But throughout what remained constant was her 'pleasure' on having met me after so long. She was happy, genuinely happy on having met me after a gap of two years.

Contrast this with the other experience I had while returning home. In the train, I met another dear friend of mine. She too was returning from work. I was happy catching up with her after so long. But unfortunately I couldn't say so about her. We spoke about work, life, family, college memories. But somehow I could sense a disconnect. It was me who was doing the talking for most of the time. The detachment was palpable. I did ask her whether something was wrong. But she said everything was fine.

Distances do either of the two things. Either they bring you close to a person or take you so far mentally that nothing can be done to salvage the relationship. In my case, it did both. It brought someone who was so far really close and took away someone who was very close far away.

Manjiri

A tale of two people

Two incidents over the last fortnight, left me disturbed and wondering about how people think and their minds function. Both the incidents were bad and most of all unexpected. They came as shockers. Amusingly, they made me realise the unpredictability of life. Two people whom I have been nice to, behaved strangely. One obviously due to innocence and ignorance or can say due to circumstances and the other due to over-maturity. Its quite strange that exactly opposite qualities can hurt people to similar extent. But, such is life.
I have been thinking about it for quite some time. But, there are some questions for which you never get answers and all you can do is leave it at that. In both the incidents, I didn't forgive the people concerned, not because I didn't wish to but because they didn't mean when they apologised. I have gotten over both the incidents. After a few days of introspection, I have also realised that I am not to be blamed for the other person's behaviour. They are conditioned to behave in that fashion. Irrespective of the person in question, they will behave in that manner. But, saying that I was not hurt, would be a blatant lie. I was hurt and was very hurt. The individuals concerned are now out of my life forever. I don't know how I'll behave if I ever confront them. Whether I will ever be able to behave normally with them. But, the fact remains that they betrayed my trust, misunderstood me to the core and hurt me deeply.

Manjiri

God bless me

This post is essentially written with the idea of putting across what is going on in my mind to make me feel better. Right now, am going through a gruelling time wherein am dealing with my apprehensions and self-doubt. New beginnings always leave me with such thoughts. Till I get something, I want it. But, once I have achieved it my focus immediately shifts on what should be done to maintain it. Yes, I will be getting on to my new activity from tomorrow. The work is something am aware of. I am hoping and praying that I better be able to live upto the expectations all those who have invested their faith in me. And most importantly I don't let myself down. Over a period of time, my belief in myself has strenghtened. For it to remain intact, I will have to better myself. So, am wishing myself all the luck in the world. I am telling God please bless me and be with me.

Manjiri

Not really iconic

For the last few days, I haven't been able to write. I was quite shocked and disheartened by the whole scene of events which unfolded last week.
The images of several sections of the Taj set on fire, the airdropping of commandos at Nariman House and the rescue of people from the Oberoi will perhaps haunt every Mumbaikar for a very long time. But what I certainly disagree with is constantly referring to Taj as the icon of Mumbai and India. I don't agree with the media reports that Taj represents India or Mumbai. Yes, it is a heritage structure which does represent the elites or the crème-de-la-crème of India or Mumbai.
Even today more than 80 percent people in this country have not visited the Taj. Spending time and chilling out at the various joints in the premises is a luxury which only the rich and famous in this country can afford. Even today references of having a cup of chai in Taj are being made in train conversations as though it is ultimate luxury one could dream of. I did read several analytical reports which questioned the usage. I too strongly agree with it. Unlike several people who have been coming on air and talking at length about the time they spent at Taj, I don't really have memories of Taj (except for one stray assignment which involved meeting the head chef).
The icon of Mumbai if one has to name one would certainly be the CST station from where most of the people ply to their workplaces and back home. It is this place which is iconic. Because neither the bomb blasts nor the terrorist attacks can deter the spirit (pardon me for using the word). More so for these people, because it is not the spirit but the urge to make ends meet for them. Not reporting to work for a day for a middle class person (including me) means losing out on one leave which could be encashed either at the end of the year or while resigning. And for daily wage workers it means their bread and butter or vada pav for the day.
Not that I wish to nullify the difficult times which the hostages had to go through or that I am insensitive to the harrowing conditions that they witnessed. I do sympathise with them and wish that our government and security forces provide answers to our questions at the earliest. My heart definitely goes out to all those people who lost their family members - saviours as well as victims. I am as enraged as any other Mumbaikar is.
But Taj is definitely not an icon of Mumbai for the average middle-class Mumbaikar in me. It is like a dream which most people wish to accomplish but don’t manage to do so in their life time.

Manjiri

We don't know

Blood, gore, pain, tears, fear, terrorism, deaths - all this and more surrounds Mumbai as the rescue operations go on. And we witness all this with a little bit of sympathy. An occasional glimpse of someone crying moves us. But that is it. The news remains a hot topic of train and office discussions. But the concluding line is always the same - this is not new to Mumbai.

With this will start a session of allegations and counter allegations. Will we manage to solve this issue - we don't know. Will we ever be able to become a peaceful country - we don't know. Will this ever stop - we don't know. Will we remain sensitive to all this - dangerously we don't know.

Perhaps, this is what our governance has made us - insensitive.

In the midst of this a song plays in the back of one's mind - Jahaan gam bhi naa ho, aasoon bhi naa ho, bas pyaar hi pyaar pale, ek aise gagan ke tale. Will we manage to create such a world - we don't know.